The e-blast was entitled "WHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR..." Yes, in all caps and (SPOILER ALERT!) it is not.
I noted that the email was from a local race company, one that has been spamming runners with a litany of weird "virtual races" since the onset of the Pandemic. Recently, they were flogging a virtual Santa race, where they will mail you a full suit so that you may time trial a 5K around your neighbourhood looking like a mall Santa on PCP.
But this one was special. It outdid the sad Santa run. It even one-upped their Hanukkah Super 8K Challenge prize — a fake gold Star of David Super Bowlesque ring encrusted with 24 fake diamonds (let that sink in for a moment). It somehow surpassed their COVID-spore themed finisher's medal from the height of the Pandemic — because what every fucking runner wanted this summer was a physical reminder of this fucking virus ruining everything, including going for a run.
What we'd all been waiting for was this:
Get it? "Race." It's a play on words, see — a homophone (sorta).
This led me to a series of perhaps unanswerable questions that may linger in your mind long after this godforsaken Pandemic has ended:
Is the medal's spore to scale?
Is a real spore actually black and white?
Why is the vaccine fluid purple?
If it's purple, then why is it clear in the little bottle on the medal?
Or is it white... ?
Are we talkin' the Pfizer vaccine, or another Big Pharma producer's vaccine?
Was Pfizer approached for title sponsorship of this the Race for the Vaccine?
If there were a participant's shirt, what would it say on it?
Would it say "Millions of people died and all I got was this lousy race shirt?"
Do the vaccine bottle and syringe spin?
In 10,000 years, when our ancestors discover this medal in a an archeological dig, and until that point we are a mystery civilization to them, who suddenly died off and left little of consequence after a great global catastrophe of our own doing destroyed all remnants of our culture and our way of life, will these future archeologists, in realizing they are direct descendants of us, laugh or will they cry?
And how big is the medal?
What will this medal look like on display in your living room?
Or do you display your medals in your home office?
Or are they in a box in your closet, next to another, unopened box from your last move?
How long ago was that move? Seven or eight years?
What is in that other box?
And will the medal look good along side one of those really big dinner plate-sized medals from that local marathon that would rather tempt you with a famously large medal than closing roads and finishing anywhere else but in an empty parking lot at the edge of town, with no one cheering for you, and no one caring that you ran a marathon?
Does the medal come with a goodie bag?
Will there be a virtual elite field for the virtual Race for the Vaccine, and will the winner be the first to actually receive a real injection of the real vaccine?
Can one buy a COVID-19 vaccine? And is it legal to give away a vaccine as a prize for a foot race?
Are there age group prizes?
What about if a runner has already contracted and survived COVID-19 — should they still Race for the Vaccine, or are they already immune?
Was an epidemiologist consulted before the creation of the Race for the Vaccine?
Will there be a Marathon Race for the Vaccine?
And will it be a Boston Qualifier?
After I complete the virtual Race for the Vaccine, should I wear my medal around town?
Hold on, why is there a 19K option?
I would like to run a half-marathon Race for the Vaccine, is that an option?
And if I am injured, or can't find the time to complete the Race for the Vaccine before the Pandemic is over, and I have received a real vaccine, am I disqualified, or can I defer my entry to the Race for the Vaccine during the next Pandemic?
If this virtual event is profitable, will there be a "Race for the Vaccine 2021"?